I was going to do a Friday Favorite’s post today, but I felt in my heart the urge to dig a little deeper by sharing my insight on a somewhat touchy topic. There are a couple blog posts circulating on the web that have caught my eye recently, and I wanted to give my perspective on the matter. I don’t want to turn this post into a hot debate or a space for judgment, but instead I want to deliver it as an open forum and would love to hear your thoughts on the topic as well!
To begin, if you haven’t yet read the aforementioned posts then you can find them here:
MY FIRST BLOG: THE RESULT OF A CLOSED-MINDED 23 YEAR OLD
23 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF GETTING ENGAGED BEFORE YOU’RE 23
Basically the debate is between two groups of women, those who choose to marry young and those who wait to settle down. As you all know, I got married on October 8, 2011 at the ripe-old age of 22.
At the time I thought I was old enough, and mature enough to be a wife. Looking back now though, I seem so very young. Yep, at 22, I was a baby.
However, you may expect me to side with the ‘pro-marrieds’ since I am one of them, but here is the thing…I don’t.
So now you may believe I am taking the side of the ‘non-marrieds’, but here is the thing…I don’t.
Confused yet?!
Yes, that’s right, I don’t think getting married under the age of 23 is the right thing to do…for everyone. And, I don’t think getting married over the age of 23 is the right thing to do…for everyone.
When it comes to being in a relationship and growing as an individual person, we are all presented with different circumstances and each have our own opinions on topics. What works for some may not work for others and that is absolutely okay!
It is not polite to tell an unmarried woman that she should have gotten married years ago, and it is not nice to tell a married woman that she shouldn’t have gotten married years ago. People grow and experience life in different ways, and frankly that is perfectly acceptable in my opinion.
Here is the cold hard truth: If I wouldn’t have met Tim when I did, it is very possible that I wouldn’t be married to anyone today. We each meet our soul mate at different times throughout our lives, and perhaps if my path and Tim’s path never crossed then I would still be single today.
Our paths did cross, however, and I fell in love and so did he. I don’t care if it sounds cliché, but he is truly my best friend and he loves me completely, even with my faults. He has seen me at my best and my worst, and he still wants to be married to me! (He is a saint, let me tell you!)
I know life can change at any moment, which is why I am spending these special years with my husband. Getting married at 22 was the path I chose to take, and looking back at age 25, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was the right decision for me, but it may not be the right one for everyone. Would married life have been easier if we would have waited until we were 30 with established jobs and larger bank accounts? Probably. However, would we have missed out on a lot of great years learning and growing together while building a life for our family completely from scratch? Yes.
To sum it up, I firmly believe we are all entitled to our own opinions and life decisions, and I see both the good and the bad in marrying young v. marrying later.
So what do I wish for my future daughter someday?
I hope for her to find happiness in each and every day, to experience love to its fullest possibilities, and to live her life in a way that makes her feel content and happy, and that brings a peace to her heart and joy to her soul. I pray for her to find a man who loves her as much as her daddy loves me, whether she is 23 years old or 33 years old. I want her to always be loved like there is no tomorrow.
Instead of tearing other women and their decisions down, let’s instead choose today to build each other up and encourage one another to live the lives we have each chosen for ourselves. Supporting one another through the ups-and-downs of being both single and married is one of the most important things we can do as women and friends to instill confidence and self-love in one another.
Conversation Time.
- I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic and the posts! Do you think marrying young is best, or marrying later in life is best? What are your thoughts on the debate? Should we simply allow each other to live our own lives while encouraging along the way? Do you see both sides of the debate? (Let’s keep all comments productive and kind please!)
This was an interesting post for me. I was dating my husband exclusively at 19 and knew they day of our first date I would marry him. Like you, if I didn’t marry this guy, I was probably not going to be married. I wasn’t the girl who dreamed about fairytales, wedding dresses, or babies. I was engaged at 23 and married by 24. Still young by today’s standards. I had a house by 25 and was pregnant by 28 (not too young). I remember thinking around the age of 30 (now I am 37) that I was CRAZY for making a “rest of my life” decision at 24 (basically 19!). There were A LOT of things I didn’t get to do. I had the fleeting thought that I would have chosen someone else. However, when the panic subsided I realized I would make the same choice all over again and there is nothing stopping me from doing anything I want to do. It was the right decision for me. More importantly I made a decision (for better or worse). I think it’s hard to put a timeline on when your soul mate enters your life.
Tara Newman recently posted…2014 Goals: How to Get Started
I love your thoughtful comment Tara! I agree with you, I think we can always thing about the what-ifs or could have beens, but that is true in all areas of our lives. Should I have chosen that career field? Should I have went to that college? Should I have tried out for that sport or musical? Etc, etc. We can waste our life thinking about how our past decisions have sculpted our future, or we can accept the choices we have made and embrace them to the fullest!
I was already planning about writing about this topic on my blog! I love your perspective, because it’s how I feel too. There is no “perfect” age. With that being said, getting married young has proven to have some challenges (like you mentioned, money), but no one has ever said that marriage is easy, and I felt prepared for that going into it.
It seems as if these posts definitely caught the eye of quite a few people! I thought it was just my circle of Facebook friends, but obviously not! I agree, there is no perfect age for marriage. No matter when someone chooses to get married, there will always be struggles and hardships to overcome. I believe what makes a marriage work is two people wanting to make it work, and that’s at any age!
Yes yes yes! I thought about doing a post on this as well! I got married at 23, bought a house 6 months later, and a dog, and before I know it we will be having kids! Everyone’s lives are different, and that doesn’t mean just because you got married young that you’re missing out on life, frankly, I think the author of the article is jealous her life didn’t turn out like she had planned. It’s so sad to me that people tear each other down. Whether you choose to marry young, wait a while, or not get married at all, that is YOUR life, and your experiences, and it will all come full circle eventually!
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I love that a lot of people had already seen these articles and are well informed on them! I agree, I think there may be cynicism in the anti-marrieds post because she has not yet met the right person. And who knows, maybe there is a bit of cynicism in the pro-marrieds post because she missed out on living the single life. You just never know! That is exactly why I think it is so important to be so in love with our own lives that we can’t do anything except support others in their decisions as well! 🙂
I saw these articles the other day, and had to click on them. I am completely in agreement with you. I turned 23 2 months before my wedding. Yes, we were young. No, it won’t work for every one. Yes, I think it needs to be on your terms and decide what works best for you. It hurts me to know people who are getting engaged just because of other ones getting engaged. Getting married to my best friend at 22 and married at 23 was the best thing to happen to me. After 8.5 years of dating, it’s what we both wanted, and have loved being together every day. He makes me whole, and getting married at this age is what is perfect for us. Not for everyone, but for us, it’s working.
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I 100% agree with you. Getting married young (or at all!) is definitely not for everyone, but that doesn’t make any side right. As long as both individuals in the relationship want to make it work then that is the key! Someone can change their mind at any age, and that is how marriages crumble. You can be 25 or 55 and decide the relationship is not right for you. It definitely takes two to make a marriage last,
I agree, Heather. I know people who (I think) are getting engaged just because their friends are doing it and they felt pressured. That’s so sad to me! If you meet your spouse at 30, that’s fine too! There’s no reason to settle!
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While I’m not married or engaged and am on the verge of 26, I totally agree with you Jana. Everyone’s path is different. And if a woman wants to get married at 22 to the man of their dreams, she has every single right to do so. Who cares if someone else thinks its a mistake. We all have different paths to follow. Some 19 year-olds are wiser beyond their years than some 25 year-olds. We’re all different. Women need to encourage each other and build each other up instead of breaking each other down. I am so sick of that.
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AMEN! I too am tired of women constantly judging one another. I think your point is a great one – age doesn’t matter nearly as much as maturity and level of commitment. If two people are emotionally prepared for the commitment of marriage, then I don’t care how old they are.
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Absolutely! I 100% agree with both of you! I know some extremely mature 23 year olds who I believe would be ready for the trials and tribulations of marriage, and I even know some 33 year olds who have some growing up to do before tying the knot! I also know some who are mature enough and just haven’t met the right person, or are taking their time and making a thought out decision with their love. You just never know and we all have no room to judge or rush one another! 🙂
I feel like I got to experience BOTH sides of it and I couldn’t agree with you more. My husband and I are high school sweethearts (and even dated in junior high for a bit!), moved in together when we were 18 but didn’t marry until I graduated college at 25 (2 months later to be exact). While we weren’t technically married, it FELT like we were. I know a lot of people say we shouldn’t have moved in together, a lot would say we should’ve gotten married WHEN we moved in together, and a lot would say we did it just fine. Everyone is different and that is a-ok!
I love that you and your husband did what worked for you. I am sure that there were people judging your decision at the time, but look at the two of you proving everyone wrong! 😉 I 100% believe a relationship is successful if, and only if both people want to make it work!
YES! I couldn’t agree more with you. I love that you addressed it too! I got married young too (age 22), and while I’m so glad I got married young, I don’t think EVERYONE should be married young. Great post! xoxo
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I actually thought of you when I wrote this piece! 🙂 I agree with you, to each their own and even though two people may be young and married, it doesn’t mean they are doomed and won’t last. Who knows, it may just mean that they have more years together to fall even more in love!
I love how you addressed this issue. I felt the same way about neither side being “right” here. When I saw these two articles floating around Facebook I thought it sad that people seemed to be posting them in an I’m right–you’re wrong kind of way. The lifestyle you choose to lead before 23 whether married or not is one that should be judged. I think both articles are just written to two different types of people and that’s okay. Marriage before 23 is not bad and waiting because you’re not to that stage in life yet isn’t bad. I wish we could all lift each other up more about our choices in life rather than tearing others down with our opinions.
Amanda @A Latte Learn recently posted…2014 Brings Babies
Oops–major typo. Your lifestyle whether married before 23 or not is NOT one to be judged. Whoops! 😉
Amanda @A Latte Learn recently posted…2014 Brings Babies
Thank you so much Amanda! I agree with you, it wasn’t even the articles that caught my eye, in all honesty I probably would have ignored them completely, but what caught my eye was how the debate began and sides were drawn. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to the topic since it depends on each and every situation!
I completely agree that everyone’s paths are different. However, I think that many people change so much in their late teens/early 20’s so I sometimes have a hard time understanding when they get married very young. I started dating my ex boyfriend right when I turned 15 (he was the same age as me) and I finally ended things when we were 23. When I was 20, we had been together for 5 years and most of our friends’ longest relationships were 5 months, lol. That didn’t bother us though. We lived together, moved across the country together, were each others best friends, but I knew deep down that I wanted more. I started realizing this when I was about 21, but stuck it out for another couple of years as we had already invested 6 years together at that point, and I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. Less than a year after we broke up, I met my now husband (I’ll be 28 next week, and he’s 30) and I couldn’t be happier. Without my husband, I would’ve never graduated college, traveled, and have the drive to be a better person and create and reach goals. I’m grateful for the time I had with my ex, but what we wanted out of life changed as we got older.
Also, my husband married at the age of 19. He was with his ex off and on for a year or 2 in high school, but he joined the army in June of 2001 which expedited their relationship. After 2 tours in Iraq, only living together for about a year, and their values changing greatly in their early 20’s, they divorced them they were 23. Fortunately, they did not have any children which made this decision easier, but just like my situation, it was merely growing apart.
I was hesitant of marriage to begin with as my parents are divorced (they married in their mid-late 20’s), and I certainly never expected to marry a divorcee, lol. I think timing has a lot to do with it, too. All in all, I think regardless of age, everyone needs to look at the big picture- years down the line- and not get wrapped up in a fairytale wedding extravaganza! Great post!
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Thank you so much Kim for your thoughtful comment and insight into your experiences! I think the big thing still for me on the young v. older topic is that each individual is different. At 25, I probably act more like a 35 year old than my actual age and have just always been that way! I agree wtih you too that we grow a lot as we age. I know I am not the same person today as I was at 22, and my husband is not the same at 27 as he was at 25. However, we have thankfully grown together and not a part. It definitely takes both parties wanting to make a marriage work to make it last!
Oh, and I 100% agree with you! A wedding does not make a marriage! Focusing on what comes after the wedding is much more important than focusing on the actual wedding festivities!
I agree with what you said- if I hadn’t met my husband when I did, my life would be totally different. God’s timing is perfect.
Oh, and I married my husband at 24 and wouldn’t change a thing. Frankly I would have married him a few months after we met. 😉
Absolutely! I believe we each have our own plan and God’s timing is absolutly perfect in relationships, in marriage, in jobs, etc. Who are we to question someone else’s chosen path?
I think a huge, important factor in deciding to get married is the reasoning behind wanting to get married. I’ve known a handful of people (of ALL ages, not just young people), who get married simply because they want to have a wedding a wear a pretty ring. This is obviously the wrong reason to get married, no matter how old or young you are.
Like you, I’m 25, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. When I first graduated from college, I saw many of my peers getting engaged/married, so I wanted that, too! I’m so, so thankful that I didn’t get married at that time in my life because for me, personally, I wouldn’t have done it for the right reasons. Despite that fact that I did (and still do) love my boyfriend, I really just wanted to have a wedding – not a marriage. For our relationship, it was really, really good for us to wait. But, I do completely understand and respect that some people ARE ready to begin a marriage young…I just was not. To each their own!!! 🙂
Love this post 🙂
I love love love your comment Kaitlyn! You said it just perfectly: Why one gets marries is so important! If it is for the wedding and festivities that comes along with an engagement, then it may not be the right time. But if it is for the life that comes after the wedding with your love and best friend, then I think no matter the age that person is ready. I love that you are doing the right thing for your marriage and that both you and your boyfriend are on the same plan. If you two decide to get married in the future, then you will both know it is for the right reasons! 🙂
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
That’s a tough topic to weigh in on because it really depends on each individual’s circumstance. But if I had to pick a side, just from personal experience, I’d say wait until you are a little older. I watched friends get married at 21, 22 and they have a lot of marital issues now. For me, I waited until 28 and learned a lot of lessons about relationships before determining I was ready to settle down. However, that doesn’t mean I think all young marriages will fail- not at all! It just wasn’t right for me.
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I absolutely agree with you Maria! It definitely depends 100% on the individuals. I am glad that you waited for when you and your husband were ready! I think the worst thing is for someone to just get married because they thing they should, or because everyone else is doing it. It sounds like you put the thought and time into the decision, which is awesome! 🙂 Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
Doug and I were married at 22 and really didn’t t know any differently…… I agree with you Jana that each couple is different. I still think underneath it all is commitment to one another in the good times and tough times. I also believe their is a third part to every marriage and that is God. Marriage is a three way street and age really s a small part of it. I guess where Doug and I come from marriage is a sacred bond and trials will be part of the journey! Thanks for doing this blog Jana, you have awesome insight in many areas !! Love you , Carol
I absolutely love your comment Carol! I agree, commitment between two people is really what makes a marriage last. Unfortunately, even if one person calls it quits then there isn’t anything the other person can do. Keeping God at the center of a marriage is definitely the best way to keep two members of a marriage on the same path and thought structure!
Thanks Carol! Glad you enjoyed this post! 🙂
I love this blog!! This read was perfect for me at this stage of my life, especially in this transition of being in my early 20s…